Actors Life 58, Striking in a Complaint Free World

I’m one of those people who listens to Oprah. I mean REALLY listens to Oprah. If she likes it, I'll try it. If she reads it, I’ll skim it. There’s something about her that just seems so... trustworthy. So it’s not surprising that last spring when she had some pastor on the show talking about a “Complaint Free World,” I perked up and, yes, I went to the Web site and requested one of those rubber bracelets.

See, the idea is you put the bracelet on one wrist (say, your left) and you try to go without complaining. Like, when some idiot cuts you off in traffic, you do not honk and give him the finger. But if you do honk and give him the finger, you have to switch the bracelet to the other wrist. And then when you finally get to the supermarket and every parking place is filled except one which you can’t get into because the selfish SUV parked beside it is WELL OVER THE LINE. You aren’t supposed to complain then either, but if you just can’t help blurting out one tiny nasty comment as you drive past, slowly, hoping the selfish driver will magically appear right in front of your bumper... well, then you have to switch back to the other wrist again. You get the idea. Well, the goal is 21 days without moving the rubber bracelet.

Look, it’s truly an amazing goal and I’m sure once you get to 21 days, you are a completely different person, but I don’t actually know that because I’ve yet to make it through ONE day. Sure, the first couple of days were hard... I had waited more than seven months to get the rubber bracelet, which was originally supposed to be free, then was going to cost $5 for five, then there was an additional $1.75 charge for shipping, then I couldn’t help myself so, yes, I complained!! They quickly refunded my money and sent the rubber bracelets anyway, so naturally, I sent them a donation for $10, which was more than the $6.75 I had originally complained about! Obviously, it was going to take a while before I stopped complaining about the complaint free world people! (And yes, I saw the irony.)

Now, I realize this column is called “Actors' Life” and other than my recent foray into fiction and this shockingly uneven monthly missive, I do not consider myself a writer. But guess what folks? No writers, no acting. Naturally, they didn’t tell us that at first.

First the SAG e-mails were all “Don’t break your contract if you are contractually obligated to work!” Then they followed that up with (in smaller print), “You can join the picket line if you want to.” Then came the supportive statement, “You may continue to audition, if you choose to.” If I choose to? As far as I could tell, we weren’t on strike and if the studios had really stockpiled as many scripts as I heard, there were going to be tons of auditions! Who wouldn’t choose to??? But that little phrase frightened me. As did the one which followed a day or two later... “You can continue to audition for work and accept new work if you choose to.” Again, I’m wondering who exactly is choosing NOT to accept work? These stockpiled scripts can’t last forever, can they? Shouldn’t we work as long as we can-- after all, as SAG keeps reminding me, we are NOT on strike. And yet, we should feel free to walk the picket lines with the writers.

Look, I support the writers, I really do. But I need a couple of thousand more dollars to get my health insurance this year. Luckily (unluckily?) I wasn’t getting any auditions. Because then I would have had to CROSS THE PICKET LINE! It’s one thing to sit at home and debate the writers' demands for a bigger piece of the DVD and download pie, but actually looking people in the eye... and driving past... that would probably be a lot harder than it seemed. But it didn’t matter anyway because next the big stars stopped working. And the show runners. So now, stock-piled scripts or not, pretty much no one is working. Except for reality shows, which have never used actors except has-beens and drug addicted former child stars. Who I suppose need their insurance too...

So I’m wondering... Oprah! What do I do? How do I not complain when we will all suffer from a strike we are not part of especially when July will probably bring a strike we ARE a part of? Can we only hope to get a job or two between the strikes? How do we not complain when we walk a picket line in what passes for bitter cold (60 degrees and cloudy) in L.A. and can’t even spare $3.70 for a latte? How does anyone not complain when "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars" are replaced by “Are you Smarter than your Mailman?” and “Dancing with the American Idol Rejects”? And how can even you NOT complain when all the late night shows INCLUDING "Jon Stewart" and "SNL" are repeats?

The next thing you know, the soaps will be gone. I’m not going to be able to take that lying down. Unless I have to take to my bed with the vapors, or whatever horrible condition is going to overtake me when there is nothing left to watch but reality shows and reruns! (Unless of course, they are MY reruns - and maybe the stockpiled but already shot, "iCarly" episode I’m in - I’ll probably avoid the vapors then... but may still end up taking to my bed... It sounds kind of relaxing.)

So as much as I’ve loved the Ugg boots and Wally Lamb books, I’m sorry Oprah, but I think I’m going to have to take off the Complaint Free bracelet for now. I don’t think my self esteem can handle failure on that regular a basis while the writers are on strike. Let’s face it, I’m glad I don’t have any auditions, so I don’t have to cross a picket line. And I’m glad I got a couple of residual checks before this all went down. But the longer this strike goes on, the worse it is going to be for all of us-- from caterers and dry cleaners to Las Vegas and the IRS. And Oprah, although there may be a ton of out of work writers sitting at home during prime "Oprah" viewing time... I don’t think they’ll be watching. They’ll probably be watching “Racing Against the Food Network Rejects and the Grocers Who Love Them.” Because at a certain point, Oprah... even you may be in repeats.