Old Curiosity Shop
By Bob Davis dnry122@yahoo.com
 

We’ve got the big-screen TV turned on in the Old Curiosity Shop, and it’s time to ask:

“Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?”

The long wait is over for NFL fans, it’s time to (as Tom Lehrer would say) “Hurl that spheroid down the field….”  Big screen TVs in dens and diners will be tuned in, fans will wear their team’s colors and the game will begin.  There is one thing that the NFL would just as soon the viewers didn’t think about— the typical football telecast lasts over three hours, and during that time, the ball is actually in play for fifteen to twenty minutes.  The rest of the time is spent with on-field committee meetings (a.k.a huddles), deploying the surveyors (measuring for first downs), marching off penalty yardage, reassembling after passes or punts, twiddling of thumbs while the referee looks at a challenge replay, timeouts for strategy discussions, and other miscellaneous opportunities to sell pickup trucks, beer, cell phones and pharmaceutical products of interest to men.

I doubt if broadcast managers would admit it, and it may be an unwarranted suspicion on my part, but sometimes it seems like some of the men in the TV production trailers don’t really like football players.  Ever notice how a camera will “zoom in” on the guy who’s just dropped the ball or incurred a penalty?  

I remember one Super Bowl where a usually sure-handed running back fumbled, the other side recovered, and it was probably the turning point of the game.  It seemed like every five or ten minutes the director would call for a shot of this poor fellow sitting disconsolately on the bench.  Not so much any more, but they used to do reruns of a player getting injured. 

All this leads me to believe that there’s a certain “Revenge of the Nerds” aspect to football coverage.  Many of the guys behind the scenes saw the football stars in high school seem to have all the fun and glory, going out with the most attractive girls, etc.   When a player screws up they want to say, “You’re not so hot, Mr. Super Jock!”   Then there are the “color commentators” many of whom are retired quarterbacks.  They should be penalized five sentences for every time a pass is incomplete and they say, “He shoulda caught that!”  Well, he didn’t, let’s move on.  You’re supposed to be reporting, not speculating.  Or the retired coaches, who think they could do a better job than the ones on the sidelines.  Hey, if you’re so good, why aren’t you down there with the headset and the clipboard?  We should assume that the teams on both sides are trying to win, and are bending every effort toward that end.  Sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t; that’s why you get out on the field and agitate the porcine epidermis.

Soccer vs. U.S. football:  Earlier this year we had the World Cup soccer/futbol tournament.  In most of the world, this is a BIG DEAL.  Teams that win (or at least do better than expected) are national heroes; those that lose try to schedule their arrivals “back home” for late hours and obscure airports.  The U.S. soccer team won a few games, but bowed out before really big games were played. 

Here in America, most sports fans were following their favorite baseball teams, or speculating on the upcoming NFL and NCAA football seasons.  One thing soccer has going for it is more action; games are 90 minutes and the ball is in play for most of the time.  One wonders how long a 300 pound NFL lineman would last in a soccer game.  An American objection to soccer is the “no hands” rule: other than the goal-keeper, players have to keep hands off the ball, after all it is FOOTball in most of the world.  Heads are OK, and I suppose if a player hits it with his rear end it’s not an infraction.  In American sports, hands are important: Good hands, quick hands, soft hands (or cement hands, butterfingers). 

Another aspect of sports in the U.S. is the tons of “trivia” our favorite pastimes generate.  Baseball games that were played decades ago can be “recreated” by a radio broadcaster with a score sheet and a battery of sound effects.  Football game broadcasters fill the time waiting for the ball to go into play (see top of page) by reeling off statistics about every aspect of the game: Number of catches by tight ends, average yards per carry for running backs, quarterback efficiency ratings (it’s a game for goodness sakes, not a widget factory!), sacks and half sacks, hang time of punts, and so on and so on.   I’d be willing to bet that NASA put astronauts on the Moon with less computing power than a game-time statistician.  I think American sports fans will wholeheartedly embrace soccer at about the same time we start using the Metric System for daily measurements.

Baseball vs. NFL:  One way that baseball differs from other major sports is the substitution rule:  Once you leave the game, it’s off to the showers.  I used to work with a fellow whose cousin or brother-in-law was a reserve defensive back for the Raiders.  Whenever the team playing the Silver and Black crew got into a third-and-long situation, an “obvious passing down” as the color commentators are wont to say, I’d look for #45, James Davis, to take his spot in the defensive backfield and figuratively put up the “Don’t even think of passing here!” sign.  And very rarely did the quarterback challenge my man.  But once that down was played, it was back to the bench, unless they needed him for kicking team or kick receiving team duty.  This was not always the case.  I remember back in the 1940s there was a discussion on a radio sports commentary show about whether college football should have “unlimited substitution.”  This was back when many players would play both offense and defense, and nobody thought it was unusual.

While we’re at it, basketball and ice hockey share the clock-controlled aspect of football.  Once that last second ticks off, it’s “game over”.  Basketball has the 24-second clock and the three-second rule.  Hockey has “penalty minutes” with “power plays” and “penalty killers.”  Baseball, on the other hand, is “timeless”.  This can be frustrating to network schedulers:  One game can feature two pitchers who get a lot of “ground ball” outs, and waste no time between pitches; one would think they both had to catch a train after the game.   Games like this can wrap up in less than two and a half hours.  Then there are games with lots of runs, many pitching changes, rhubarbs, and extra innings that run to four or more hours. 

I remember one Dodgers-Mets game at Dodger Stadium that started around 7:30 PM and ran until after midnight.  By then it would have been 3 AM in New York, and only die-hard Mets fans and graveyard-shift workers would be up for the last out. 

There’s a story about a team starting its spring training session in Florida.  One of the players looks up in the stands and spots a college classmate, a man who has gone on to a notable career in the NFL.  He calls out to him, “Hey buddy, don’t think you can hide behind those shades!  Come on down and say Hi!”   The player mentions this to the manager, and the skipper says, “Really?  Ask him if he’d like to come down to the clubhouse after the game.  The man’s a winner, and I’m sure the team would like to meet him.”  So after the game, he joins the crew and they have a big “mutual admiration and old home week” chat.  Finally, he says, “I have a confession to make.  Football has been good to me, but there are some things about baseball that make me wish I could hit a curve ball.  First, there’s the specialization in football.  You’re either offense or defense—in baseball most players have to do both.  Then there’s what the sportscasters call ‘Clock Management.’  That very term bugs me!  I’ve been in games where the team that’s ahead gets the ball with two minutes left, the defense has no time outs remaining, and the QB takes a knee three times.  About as exciting as watching paint dry!  Even worse than an intentional walk.  Now, in baseball, game isn’t over until the last man’s out.  No getting around it.  No letting the clock run down.  There was one game my dad told me about, a long time ago.  One side was ahead 8 to 0 in the ninth inning.   Then the other team scored TEN runs!  And that’s why I like baseball!”

One last football item:  Back in the days before the NFL cracked down on end zone antics, there was a rookie running back, who took the handoff at the defenders’ 25 yard line.  He faked out the linebackers, and knocked the safety man on his rear end so hard, that when the man slowly got up, he asked, “Anybody get the license number of that truck?”   He dashed across the goal line, scoring his first NFL touchdown!  He handed the ball to a nearby official, and proceeded to do the Funky Chicken, the Dirty Bird, and some gridiron choreography made up for the occasion.  When he got back to the bench, he was greeted with great celebration.  A veteran lineman, gave him a hearty slap on the back and said, “Well done, young man!  You made those guys look like they were wearing cement shoes.” And he paused and added, “A word of advice, my friend: next time you get into the end zone, act like you've been there before.”