Words 96

TIME IS RUNNING OUT

No one grows younger

All things wither away

So get off the couch

It's time to play

Grab the brass ring

Win by a rout

Enjoy yourself

'Cause time is running out

Live for today

Throw away your sorrow

Yesterday is gone

Don't worry about tomorrow

We only get one shot

And that's beyond a doubt

So get on with it

'Cause time is running out

CELEBRITY FACTS

Woody Allen: In high school he was beaten up by the kids in the handicapped class.

Robert Blake: He once shot his dog and blamed it on his cat.

Marlon Brando: He used to bite his toenails.

Marv Albert: His toupee is made of skunk fur.

Tim Burton: He has never combed his hair.

Naomi Campbell: She once hit her mother over the head with her cell phone.

Winona Ryder: She stole her first car at the age of seven.

Snoop Dogg: His sisters name is "Snoop Cat".

Zsa Zsa Gabor: In Hungarian "Zsa Zsa" means "WHORE".

Whittney Houston: She no longer smokes crack, now she eats it.

Jack Nicholson: He once tried out for the L.A. Lakers.

Andy Dick: His real name is Andy Penis.

FUTURE ROCK BAND NAMES

The Why Nots

Wide Stance

The Loopholes

Alice Pooper

Limp Chicken

Joe Momma

Back Door Betty

The Cancer Brothers

Birth of the Dead

Osama Obama

Random Rock

Hated Sister

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

You beat me with a paddle

You whipped me with your belt

You punched me with your fist

My body was one big welt

You never bought me toys

You never let me play

You made my life a hell

Happy Mothers Day

7 GROSS THINGS

1. Envisioning Anna Nicole Smith and her 90-something husband having sex.

2. Richard Simmons.

3. Barry Manilow's bad facelift.

4. Watching a snake eat a mouse.

5. What Linda Ronstadt looks like today.

6. The legs of Barack Obama's wife.

7. Performing oral sex on a 400-pound woman who just finished a two-mile jog.

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

Some dislike the things I say

But that's their problem anyway

I'm an American and that's my right

And for that privilege I will fight

Some may hate the flag that I wave

But I'll wave that flag til I'm in my grave

And I thank the Lord when I pray

That I was born in the U.S.A.

TRUST

Regardless of the relationship
If you can't trust an individual
That relationship is hollow
Without trust
You put your fortune in jeopardy
Without trust
You have nothing
In regards to all your relationships
Trust is the most important factor
If you can't trust your spouse
Your friends
Your doctor
Your lawyer
Your lover
Those relationships are meaningless
Because without trust
You have nothing

Robert "The G-Man" Shields is a comedian, a poet, an artist and an author. He is the host of the cable TV show, "G-Man's Freak Show," in the Los Angeles and Orange counties of Southern California. He was also the co-host of the radio show "The L.A. Rock Scene with Jeff and The G-Man" at KCLA FM in Hollywood. He has a CD out titled "G-Man Radio," which features his wild humor and poetry along with music from local bands. He Has published a sports book titled "It's a Mad Mad Mad Sports World," which can be purchased at most major book stores. You can e-mail Robert "The G-Man" Shields at Gmanshow@aol.com or contact him through

Jaymes Mayhem of Scratch magazine says: "Step aside Howard Stern and get the hell outta the way Rodney Bingenheimer because none of you have a damn thing on the G-Man! A concept that has been a long time coming, Robert "The G-Man" Shields has had the brilliant vision to bring indie radio to CD. Through the combination of The G-Man's irreverent, sharp, witty humor, quick spun homegrown poems and golden-throated DJ styling, he spins the best indie-rock that the scene has to offer. Featuring amazing cuts from established acts like Texas Terri and the Stiff Ones and Hyppii Jett, to new comers No Solution with "Feel the Pain." Also worth mentioning is Bricklayer with their power ballad "Six Months" which will live on in music history for eons and the groundbreaking mesh of rock and rap by Acid Rain titled "Give it to me Straight." This is one incredible CD, a must have from an amazing man with big talent and an impeccable ear for new music!"

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