Balsac the Jaws of DeathGWAR Destroys Warped Tour 2017
By Dave Schwartz

Much is happening in the GWAR universe.  The passing of Oderus Urungus (Dave Brockie) and the addition and subtraction of barbarians within the GWAR horde has left a swirl of activity and many questions.  The good news is that GWAR has immerged on the far side of ďthe warĒ just as incensed as the day they landed on this planet.  With the threat of a new record looming this fall, I sat down with interplanetary warriors Pustulus Maximus (Brent Purgason), Balsac the Jaws of Death (Mike Derks), Jizmak Da Gusha (Brad Roberts) on a balmy 116 degree afternoon at the Phoenix stop of the 2017 WARPED Tour.  In an epic failure of planning, I met the band near the catering tent.  And to be honest, itís hard to explain what happened next so just read... 

Pustulus:  Itís horrible to be here.  What is this ďDaBellyĒ?

DB:  DaBelly?  Itís that thing half way between both heads heads! 

Pustulus:  DaBelly, yeah.  Weíre not getting out of catering today.  Do you see the line for that shit!  Nothing in Da Bellys of GWAR!  Weíre just going to have to eat babies and penguins later on after the show. 

Balsac:  I donít eat.  I just drink anyway soÖ  Doesnít bother me!

DB:  With all this human scum walking around, why would you guys be going to catering? 

*Silence*

DB:  Ok, thereís your answer!

Pustulus:  I want to see other people in agony.  The line, the sun beating down on everybody.  Itís like 120 degrees out here.  I just like seeing other people being miserable!

DB:  Well it is miserable.  Itís a warm one today here in Phoenix.  Itís mid-one hundred-teens.  Weíll see how it turns out at the end of the day.  Well I am excited to have a chance to talk to you again this year.  This may be news to you guys but you have an album coming out.

Jizmak:  We do?  (talking to other members of GWAR) Did you write that?  Did you take care of that? 

Pustulus:  I think we do.  Metal Blade Records has something in the fall. 

Balsac:  Not sure.  I remember rehearsing with you guys a couple times.  I was kind of tipsy, I donít know. 

Jizmak:  Remember that time we all got really wasted, then woke up in the studio with smashed instruments and a dead producer?  Remember that?  I think we actually recorded that.

Pustulus:  Hey, that sounds like a record! 

Jizmak:  Yeah, itís done.  Itís totally done!  I donít know whatís on it.  I donít know any of the songs.  They tell us weíre playing one of them today, I donít know.

DB:  Are you going to name it?  Are you going to give us a name here? 

Pustulus:  Our record is coming out on YouTube.  I think it was just filmed and youíre going to have to watch our album.  I think if we were going to name it, it would be called ďBlood of the GodsĒ or ďThe Blood of Gods.Ē  Yeah, that.

*Band quietly discussing if there is a record and if title of the record was changed*

Blothar of GWARDB:  (Laughs) Yeah, I guess the title has been changing but the news is since the title has been announced I guess youíre stuck with it,

Pustulus:  Great!  This is awesome!  Now we have work!  I guess thatís our idea of working.  If this looks like work, Iíll take more of this. 

Balsac:  Hey, look at Blothar (Mike Bishop) walking by.  Heís not working, heís eating! 

Pustulus:  He could miss some catering, thatís for sure.

Balsac:  I know. 

Jizmak:  Itís been a really rough year for us.  I donít know if you heard about it but there was World War 3 Ė The War on GWAR.  All the nations of the world banded together and attacked us.  I donít think itís fair.  Most of the news media Ė none of the fake news covered it at all.

Balsac:  Yeah, too busy with Trump.  Thatís not even the real story.  GWAR is always the story. 

Jizmak:  You guys missed World War 3 because of all this stupidity with the American President.

DB:  Youíre actually stealing one of my questions.  I was going to ask how irritated you guys are with Trump stealing all your thunder. 

Balsac:  Obviously you guys missed a whole war so there is some major distraction going on.  We have to put an end to this all. 

Jizmak:  Itís all a dog and pony show and none of our fans realized that we were attacked and almost wiped off the face of the earth.

DB:  But you did survive it.  You came back and even did an album.  Now I think a year is an awful long time to do an album but I do understand that there is an awful lot of human scum that were killed in the making. 

Jizmak:  It took us much more than a year.  I guess it took us about 12 years. 

Pustulus:  Is that a question?  Thatís a horrible question!

DB:  Itís not a horrible question, it was a comment!  Itís a horrible comment, not a horrible question.  (Laughs)

Pustulus:  GWAR takes as long as it wants to do whatever it wants to do and actually, we didnít even know we had done anything.  So weíre actually hiding out from World War 3 here in the desert by Phoenix. 

Balsak:  The problem is we recorded about 10 albums in that time but lost most of them.  We would get mad after they were done so itís a good thing that we donít remember doing this last recording.  Thatís probably why we didnít destroy it afterwards.  We get very temperamental in the studio.

DB:  Well this is the first album without Oderus (Dave Brockie).  Iím looking forward to hearing the new music, the new approach.  There will be a gap without Oderus no doubt. 

Pustulus:  Youíre going to hate it.  Everyone is going to hate it except for us.  I think that once I hear it Iíll like it.

DB:  Well thatís exciting.  You know, it is best that you do like it Ė even if it is after the fact. 

Balsak:  I will say that I did enjoy the party we had before we recorded it and blacked out.  If itís anywhere near as good as the party itís going to be a great album! 

Pustulus:  The only criteria is that I have to like it, soÖ  If the humanís donít like it then itís on them.  Obviously if we did it, wrote it, and weíre not even sure if we have, but if we did Ė itís great.

Blothar of GWARDB:  Youíre right, how could it not be?  So this is your first Warped Tour Ė obviously thatís more news for you guys.  What took GWAR so long to visit WARPED? 

Pustulus:  Well, the women available today had to get older.  So I have to wait for a new generation to be born, which was all well and good until they moved the stage 100 feet away from anybody under the age of 18.  That kind of puts a little hitch into my giddy-up.

DB:  I can understand that. 

Jizmak:  Heís not even allowed to go to catering because half the bands are under 21 and weíre legally not allowed to be less than 100 feet from them.

DB:  I didnít realize that GWAR respected restraining orders. 

Pustulus:  Sex crimes are sex crimes.  Itís a big deal in some states.

DB:  Thatís a fair statement. 

Balsak:  But they donít really push it too hard when we get near Mormon territory.  Itís more or less just accepted.

DB:  Thinning the herd you're saying? 

Pustulus:  No, Iím increasing the herd.  I get them all pregnant.  But I will not raise them. 

Balsak:  Thatís not what youíre supposed to be doing.  Youíre supposed to kill these people!  What are you doing? 

Pustulus:  Oh, I thought THAT was what we were doing.  I thought we were fucking them.  Oh, fuck them over?!  Fuck them out of their lives?!

Balsak:  Exactly! 

Jizmak:  You see his reproductive glands are in his pustules and they cover his body.  So every time he has one burst someone gets pregnant. 

Balsak:  Yeah, he could even just rub against you and that would happen.

DB:  Well Pustulus, itís good that you are known far and wide forÖ  something. 

Pustulus:  You might be pregnant after this interview.

DB:  Iíll have to check. 

Balsak:  He might be pregnant now.

Pustulus:  Itís going to hurt, Iíll tell you that much. 

Jizmak:  It will be in his DaBelly. 

Pustulus:  Yeah. 

Balsak:  We like the younger kids at WARPED Tour, you know?  We like the nice soft flesh of all these young boys and girls.  We just want to through them through the GWAR meat grinder, you know.  Weíre tired of old GWAR fans, all crusty punks and everything.  Weíve already ground up as many of those as we can.  We need some new younger flesh that are clueless to what GWAR is.  We can get them by surprise.  Everyone else knows who we are.  They see us coming a mile away but these fans are unsuspecting.  So weíre just on them.

DB:  Too young and innocent to know better.  They just donít run. 

Pustulus:  Not to mention stupid.  Donít forget stupid!
 

I want to thank Pustulus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Jizmak Da Gusha for not impregnating me and, of course, not killing and eating me during this interview.  Much is happening in the GWAR universe so check out the new comic series and new record due out this fall.  Watch for updates on social media! 

http://www.gwar.net/
https://www.facebook.com/gwar/
https://twitter.com/gwarofficial

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